All journey's begin with one step ... or so the saying goes. This one was more of a leap of faith after experiencing a spiritual awakening ... aka ... taking a mental rest from work ... My therapist told me in our first session that we were not going to start with therapy. The first step was a juice cleanse and then she recommended a 10 day meditation experience. It wasn't until a few weeks before the course I really looked at the criteria and the small print contained in the orientation package. It is not a retreat ... it is work ... very hard work. You get what you put in. I now tell people it is one of the hardest thing you will ever choose to do.
For me I just knew it was a step in the right direction towards balancing my brain and harmonizing my emotions. It really was a no brainer, until I started putting some cognitive energy towards worrying. "what if I couldn't complete it? What if it is too hard? I don't have the amount of self discipline. I generally start things but rarely finish them."
I did my necessary homework. I met a friend for coffee and she told me what it was like. She was hesitant to give me much information but she did suggest that I should just think of it as a 5 day. At least this is how her experience went. I can do 5 days ... can't I. I then did a one day zen retreat that went well. I packed my bags and headed to the rainbow to overnight so as to break up the travel into 2 days. I had agreed to pick another participant up in okanagen centre, just 2 km from the rainbow. Turns out she knows Roger, my father in law. She was returning for her 3rd 10 day and she was going to be one of the helpers. I questioned her gently about what was helpful for her during our 2 hour commute to the middle of nowhere, 30 km outside of Merritt.
Day 0
I was instructed by my therapist(becca) to not engage in much small talk. I also was told not to listen to any pop radio prior to the start of the retreat. This made sense to me as I recalled days in my youth treeplanting and having music mind worms boring holes into my consciousness. You see you would ride in the vans just before being dropped off and have 10-12 hours alone with your thoughts, but if you listened to a particular catchy song, you had an uninvited hitchhiker with you the whole day. I was careful to heed my therapists advice. Becca also told me to look 4 feet at the ground when walking and 2 feet when eating in order to preserve Nobel silence. You see after the first 2 hours of the course, you remained totally silent which included no eye contact, or gesturing, or any forms of communication.
Day 1
Did I mention what the routine was? wake up bell or gong in this case was at 04:00 hrs. My roommate jumped out of bed, as if he was being attacked by bed bugs. Ooops remember Brent, maintain Nobel silence. No eye contact, no curiosity about my roommates journey. The idea was that you were supposed to imaging being on a solo journey. I crawled out of bed by the second gong, Becca had also suggested that I should attend all of the optional sits. The first one in the morning you had a choice to complete in your room (roughly translated, sleep in till breakfast at 6:30.) But not me, I was on a mission, "to balance my brain "and give this technique of Vipassina a proper trial. That means I was going to complete the course and training verbatim. I knew in Zen meditation there was many rituals and exercises. I had learned not to ask why, just accept and engage in the practice. With Vipassina there was much less ritual, there were no religious symbols. There was nothing to define it to a region or belief system apart from the teachers accent. He was raised in India, travelled to Burma as a young man, and encouraged to learn the art of Vippassina in Burma where it had been taught uncluttered and unspoiled for 2500 years. In India much of the discipline had been modified and "bastardized" through the blending of other techniques and trainings. I made it through my first 2 hour sit. That being said, I accomplished this by squirming, shifting in my seat, and being down right uncomfortable. I picked up my first knot in my back around T5 on my right side. the knot almost provided me with an audible welcome to your pain in the back meditation, How can I be of service? aka how can I sabatosh. or side track your learning.
We ate a breakfast of oatmeal and nuts and I was introduced to brown sugar. It looked darker than the sugar I was used to, and when I tasted it, there was no sugary taste. I thought my taste buds were just sleeping so I woofed down breaky including a lovely banana and enjoyed my first rest period. Most people engaged in personal grooming but I decided to go for a walk. Did I mention before you are not allowed to bring reading material, journals or any form of outside stimulation. Just be alone with your thoughts. For me, I had no shortage of those, negative thoughts, negative self talk, and self defeating suggestions. It was a whirlwind torrent of negativity without having any of my traditional distracting tools available. I think this was the first time I thought, "I HATE YOU BECCA" I made it through the rest of the day, battling the negative thoughts, the incredible boredom and the aches and pains of sitting over and over. The schedule included sitting or a total of 11 hours a day. Rest period were breaking the sits with exciting activities like brushing your teeth or walking a wooded path filled with mosquitos. (did I mention we had taken a vow not to kill any living being) ... that didn't include mosquitoes did it? After the first day I think I racked up 4 confirmed mosquito kills and one dead ant. The ant was accidental ... sort of ... kind of collateral damage. It was then I had my first self doubt related to my practice ... maybe if I continued to kill living things, this whole meditation wouldn't work. I vowed on day 2, to try harder. The evening ended with a discourse by the teacher who suggested that we shouldn't hate. I didn't think he was referring to my therapist, but I immediately started a hate on for this bearded guru in the front row. He sat on his knees with a meditation bench that looked like it was designed by Gandi himself. It had perfect flow lines and a nice little tapered cushion which sat perfectly on the wooden seat and the guy sat like a statue for the each sit, motionless, upright, back straight ... how the heck does he sit sooo still?
